Fear & Helpless

Dear Diary,

Recently I feel so helpless. As time goes by, I feel nervous, fear and helpless. 4 more months to go, so far yet so near. I admitted I wanted a perfect simple wedding. If everyone cannot understand why, I think he should understand. I have been dreaming and waiting for this big day of mine to come since... uhmm.. secondary school. I have been dreaming myself in a nice wedding gown since... uhmm.. maybe even primary school. i just want no regret after I passed my big day. 

Money is the major thing here. Without money, lots of things and ideas have to be ignored. But, I dont want because of this big day of mine, or maybe dream of mine, put us into debts in future. I still need money for our younger generation as I have promised myself to give him/her or both the best. Confusion came. Dream? or just let my dream go? 

Diet. Lots of people just don't understand my purpose of diet. I want to look nice in my wedding gown. Something that I want. It's just as simple as that. I don't want people to look at me on my big day and say "hey, she looks a bit plump in her gown" No, this is what I want to prevent of. Since, maybe, I cannot get myself a nice expensive dress, why not just let me diet and satisfied myself in the gown?! 

Transportation. Seriously, I don't feel like we are going there to choose gowns for OUR wedding nor buying OUR wedding accessories. I feel like I am asking your favor to drive me here and there for MY wedding. I don't want to bring this out because you won't feel good and I will make things worse. If it is not OUR wedding, maybe i will just go by myself and settle all the things. You are just like the friend of mine that can accompany me to settle my things. Like last night to Police Station. If I have treated you as my close 1, I won't feel guilty for wasting your times to drive me there but the officer was not around. Is this my problem? or our relationship problem? =(

If you know all these, I think you will have scolded me for thinking too much. We are now husband and wife. Things happen will be US and no more me or you. I have been wanting to tell you these.. but... scared.

Just hope everything will be ok. God will be with us and OUR family.

=Adeline=